Many have asked specifically about my 13 year career that I left in December of 2010. Now that a year has passed, it seems the time to tell the story. Most around me saw it as a perfect opportunity: Flexibility. Lots of Money. Many stay at home moms would say, “I’d still be working if I had what you have.” So as that part of our life changed, and we left the money, career, home and downsized, questions raised. I’ve never sat and written out how this was a God ordained opportunity for us. God’s timing for Jim and I both to step away. I had a side business for my photography but protected my time and work there due to my corporate job. With many new friends in Mexico and actually knowing people living in poverty, the tension for us just became too strong that there was more than staying in a job to protect a lifestyle we liked. Both our hearts were passionate about something else and that was growing. Parallel to all this, the same tension existed in my corporate work.
My career. Back and forth, being thankful for it, but disagreeing with some of what we were doing, and it was the one area of my life that didn’t bring much joy anymore. Being part of the small group that got the business really going early on, I felt a sense of ownership, a sense of obligation to stay. A time had come where I felt a longing to be doing more of the other things I was filling my life with in missions here and across the border in Mexico and Latin America. I heard a sermon one day while I was working on spreadsheets and calendars which summed it all up to this message, “in everything you do, do to the glory of God.” I spoke to Jim about it again as the topic came up from time to time, and I would again attempt to be thankful, try to give 100% at work. The lack of direction of the business was a struggle for me. It seemed as if we were all busy working knowing that none of what we were working on would actually get implemented. It was a cycle of useless effort and low moral across the board. The larger company had scooped up our little company full of hard working, passionate visionaries, and now we looked much like them. It became paralyzing to log in and spend countless hours on something you couldn’t believe in. The fire in me to fight the battles for what I thought was right started fading.
As our journey in missions continued heating up, Jim and I came to a decision. “Let’s be open to what God’s wanting for us. Where we are isn’t it.” In our lives, there existed great contrast. We would gather around a bed in Mexico praying for an injured man as he wept. We walked the streets of Mexico visiting with a lady at the corner store crying as she explained she had just sent her kids away to live with others b/c she couldn’t feed them. Then, we would pull back in to our home and be bombarded again by the fast pace of America, our careers, three kids and fight to hear God’s voice again.
Being open, meant literally anything. Putting it all on the table for the sake of the Gospel playing a bigger role in our lives. We couldn’t shake the feeling we were being called to leave. Leave our lifestyle, career, maybe even America. We had no idea where we were to go, but we weren’t to be where we were anymore. At the time, we thought it was Latin America, International Young Life. We decided to seek mentors that we respected from afar. They seemed to live a life worthy of the Gospel in the limited way any of us can. We didn’t know them, but after a 3 hour lunch, we became fast friends, and we now support their ministry in Uganda. How wonderful to have them, and have people in our lives that understood as we spoke out our dreams of leaving what we knew.
As more and more meetings, conversations were being set, one of which was to go to Georgia and meet missionaries from around the world, we were excited about the adventure, and felt ready to step out and knew it would be soon. Fundraising and being the ones needing money instead of giving money intimidated us, but we were open to having the discussions.
Then one day within 2 months of our mindset of leaving, the phone rang. The phone call was to some degree a shock, because of where we were in the journey. They wanted to know my commitment level to the company. They sensed I was not 100% in. Big changes were coming, and with me in a leadership role, they needed to know. Many things were about to change in my every day role. If I wanted the role, I could have it. I’d have less flexibility, and there was great unrest and anxiety across the leadership team in the budgets, and direction of the company at this time. I didn’t understand much of what the unrest was about, but learned many months later. Great disagreements about how the business should be run was present, lots of formalities, and a few friendships were all of sudden on the rocks. I couldn’t understand any of it. The biggest neon sign flashing at that point in my mind was “Less time to do what you love. Less ministry. Less Young Life.” It was like a clear call to walk away from anything that had brought me real life. I tried to be honest in the moment and stated that I wasn’t sure if I wanted this, but we agreed to meet and discuss. At home and in my heart, it was clear as a bell immediately, even though I had a hard time saying it at first. Now’s the time. Leave your career. You’ve been praying for an out for 2 years. I went back and forth, never wanting to stay, but afraid of life with significantly less money. And as I would reason with my husband about how I could maybe make it work, he would say, “God’s telling you to leave your career.” He was right. One problem. God was supposed to show us where to go first, THEN provide the way out. As I dug into scripture, I was unable to see a track record where God laid it out for folks, then asked them to step out. He says follow me, and we began to learn that that was it. Following means you run right into what He wants for you right at the time he wants you to run into it.
So as the gut wrenching process began, we slowly started putting everything on the table to God and praying diligently. Job, community, Young Life and our mission in that area, money, our home, our friends. Putting all of your plan A on the table when there’s no plan B is much harder than we thought. One weekend, Jim left town with the kids so I could spend a weekend in prayer. The level of anxiety in me must have been electric. I kept thinking, “God, you have to show us where to go first. I know you want me to leave my job and thus our security. How are we going to raise the money to leave this quickly?” Friday night and all day Saturday filled with prayer, knowing the answer but hoping he wouldn’t require such a leap. After journaling, praying and many tears, a clear message came out over and over and over. “You were created for more than this. What are you waiting for? I’m not going to tell you the answer you want. Follow me. Trust me.” 1st Peter that weekend spoke volumes to me about how clear the call is. We make it confusing.
The next week, I asked for a package. I came to a place of peace that I would leave, but I would work harder than I ever had for them to finish well. To honor the company, the people. 2.5 months later of knowing I would be leaving but not sure if that would be empty handed or with a package, I got the answer. It could be setup as a severance to help transition, the most you can get due to my time of service there, and we would begin transitions in November preparing for the end of 13 years to wrap up in December. I was elated, thankful, and by this point the reality that we would most likely be living in transition was sinking in. No idea where we would live, but was so happy for that gift. I never was sure why I got transition money in a severance by asking for it. I just thanked God and my sweet boss for working through the details on my behalf. In the end I honored them; they took care of me. A strong, respectful end.
The day that we made the decision, I was struggling with all the unknowns. As we settled down to go to bed that night, I heard the sound of blow up beds being blown up in the Master bedroom. I couldn’t imagine what Jimmy was doing. He said, “We’re all sleeping in here tonight.” So the five of us in our bedroom, talking, laughing and kids jumping on their blow up beds, excited. I enjoyed the spirit of the room that night, kids waving and all of us saying “Goodnight!” “Love you!” And as the kids were quiet and we laid down, Jim looked at me and said, “All we need is one room.”
Months later after leaving and restoring one of my most treasured friendships with a colleague still employed there, I learned something that blessed me greatly. There had been so much pressure on her and on me during this time, we thought we’d lost our friendship, but we certainly did not. I learned that the timing of my asking to leave, 3 or 4 folks were on the chopping block about to lose their jobs. The cause of her tension stemmed from being a good friend of mine, knowing and seeing my heart wasn’t there, and yet having 4 people who needed their jobs about to lose theirs while I got paid extremely well. That made great sense to me. The politics of business had prevented me from knowing about these people getting ready to lose their jobs, and from her knowing I had asked to leave. I love these people that were about to lose their jobs. I would have loved the opportunity to have known at the time, but I think God wanted me to go into the unknown with Him first as He worked things out for everyone’s good there. There was a bigger picture I didn’t understand and still don’t. But had I not asked to leave, they would have been let go. My heart would have broken at the news of such layoffs knowing I didn’t want to be there. I know I was supposed to leave. I was battling a life of disobedience by staying, and God gave me a way out.
Immediately, opportunities of deeper, richer ministries literally flooded my VM and inbox. Photography options grew quickly and I wasn’t seeking anything out. I was now open to receive what God wanted to give. The grief of leaving and having no idea of where we were headed grew us greatly in how to walk, pray and follow. We learned we were much weaker than we thought, but as many have heard me say, we also learned we were in desperate need to really be humbled. We needed to grasp how powerful our God is. As we put ourselves in harms way trusting we’re in His will, risking the things we relied on too much, God rescues us. Knowing this truth is directly related to experiencing it. We believe in His rescue, and are thankful for his Mercy.