We leave for Costa Rica in 4 months. Sometimes people that don’t know us very well seem to think we’ve figured something out that they haven’t. I don’t think that’s true, but if it’s anything, it’s this. We are weak, and God is strong. And at the end of each day, it’s about what team you’re on not whether you’re always getting it right. And the reality is none of us are capable of such a life, regardless of how much we try. At some point, we all face our own brokenness, lack of faith, or lose hope.
I imagine for simplicity I could just write about why Jesus is the answer to all of that. And He is. But really, what I think is more important, is that we all have a shared narrative. I don’t think God really needs me to tell anyone how I’ve figured it out, since I haven’t. But maybe He wants me to share more about how I never really ever got it right. About how grateful we all should be that it’s not up to us. About how it’s all about his mercy. I think he wants me to share how much we’re all really the same. For those that just don’t see how living for Jesus makes sense, maybe we have more in common than you’d think.
There are so many different perceptions of freedom. Some are true and some aren’t. But I think we’re all trying to get more of it.
Sometimes I think about the darkest parts of my own story, and I grieve it again. I don’t need to, but the memory of who I used to be can flood back with even the simplest reminder. I usually ask Jesus for freedom from the memories and move on. And then I hear of someone else, a precious life, hurting, and I am reminded that none of this is about me. And again I’m thankful that I know. That I can say with wholehearted understanding to those hurting, “He will listen and He will rescue you.” And more importantly, that I too have lived a life in need of rescue. Still do.
I’ve gone the wrong way more than I’ve gone the right way. I’ve made the poorest choices of anyone I know at certain times in my life. I’ve simply done much of my life wrong, and I missed the most foundational truth for most of my life. Which is this:
God loves you as much now as he ever did or ever will. No more. No less. There isn’t something you will do, whether an achievement or failure, that changes his love for you. He is waiting, hoping, longing you’ll stop where you are, and raise your hands in surrender. He will accept the invitation to step in and give you real life. And at the cross, as you give over your burdens, plans and control, your real healing can actually begin. And out of healing comes gratitude, and from gratitude, response. So just begin where you are.
I know what it’s like to run from Jesus, away from the freedom He is trying to give. I’ve tried everything but Jesus. I grew up knowing Him, but along the way got disenchanted and confused by ‘religion’ and lost hope of ever getting it right. I thought following Jesus was about behavior and totally missed that it was about falling in love. I didn’t want to be like ‘them’. ‘They’ didn’t seem to struggle, and I felt judged… a lot. And honestly, I was doing plenty that called for correction. I understand the hesitancy of betting everything on Jesus when all you see are followers stumbling along trying to figure it out themselves.
But Jesus hasn’t changed. And stumbling is what we do. But as we get up and seek Him, we learn how to walk, and maybe even run. And even though I’ve tried to find every loophole to keep from surrendering and justify my lifestyles, I’m thankful for the day I decided to ask for help.
I asked him if he’d help me know him again. I finally became open for the first time to all He might have for me. His words became like food to me and sustained me. He didn’t grab my life out of my hands or open my car door and push me into the passenger side. He waited and waited and never left me. He was there through failure after failure and always loved me. And then at the end of myself, I found real joy.
One day I surrendered, and I’ve been re-surrendering every day since. But it feels a lot more like victory. And here’s the thing. Seven years later He’s still inviting me into some pretty cool things. His words are true. His Love is real. This is the beautiful Jesus I know. He’s the same Jesus waiting for you.