We head back to Austin in a few weeks for the first time since leaving. It’s the last place we considered home. Anticipating many questions, I’ve had a mind full, wondering how to adequately describe our first year and ½ in a new culture, language, team and life rhythm. I don’t think there’s a great way to encompass it all. It was both beautiful and heartbreaking. It was the hardest year of our life, and it was worth it.
It’s taken us this long to acknowledge and accept many things about this journey and that acceptance has only come from God himself. Again, Jesus has again been enough, more than sufficient.
As we wrestled through the costs, the emotional, spiritual, financial, and physical, we know that after an honest moment with Jesus, it’s not our costs we should be concerned about. But our flesh wants to count them over and over… Our heart wants to be known, understood, even just listened to… But this isn’t always a reality for any of us.
God didn’t promise us this would be comfortable or that we’d understand or enjoy all aspects of this journey. But he does promise that He loves us. His purposes will not get derailed in the most dysfunctional of circumstances.
I came to a realization over the past several months that I actually can do anything through Christ Jesus. I get it wrong all the time, but his power is available to me. I can be kind even when I want to scream. I can trust him to effect change. I don’t have to seek my own justice. I don’t need people to understand how I feel, when I have a God that understands. I can lay it down…my anger, frustration, and grief from leaving the beautiful village we had in Austin, our work, our YL community, and our beautiful church, and embrace this new reality that doesn’t often feel like family yet. I don’t always, but in Christ, I can.
We have never doubted coming to Costa Rica. And our hearts are here, with the people, and families we’ve met. He’s been more than gracious to us. But if we had known what would be here for us, I wonder if we would have come. It’s in that question that I think God is the most masterful and knowledgeable. He shows us the next thing and we’ll have to rely on him for each step. Like a child. I wonder if I had known, if in my flesh I might have stopped praying and listening in efforts to do what I wanted. To continue a life where joy surrounded me, family, sincere love, wise and encouraging people, and dreamers, world changers and bountiful believers that were always willing to try anything.
But the decision to go was never about what was on the other side. It wasn’t conditional on what I wanted it to be. It was always about obedience, and saying yes that He knows me best, trusting that it would be good, because He is good. And it has been good. Just good in ways I didn’t want. Good in that when I was confronted with conflict, or what seemed like disbelief in all God could do, I tried to meet it believing God could do anything, and then watched him work in my weakest point. And Good in remembering that in my complete weakness, his power rests on me. But this is a place none of us want to go. Good in that I learned that even a few days of working in my own power can bring a fear that is almost numbing. Good in the humility of facing that even as I couldn’t protect my children or everyone around me, that they are his, and he has a greater love and understanding of what they need than I do. Good in that I was reminded that God does use broken things, and that broken things will be made whole one day. Good in that the process of becoming healthy is at times arduous, but our being here isn’t conditional on wholeness, resolutions, or even understanding from those alongside us. And Good, that I learned again to fight for those things I know to be true, but don’t feel to be true in me just yet. And Lastly, Good, that when we walk out our own heartache, it’s the greatest opportunity of our lives to be used for his glory. To respond to difficulties with one goal. To honor God. So simple and profound.
As a foreigner, when there’s no one to cry with, as you’re still figuring out who’s with you, or when there seems to be no one to be resourced by, you must retreat back to the prayer that heals all questions. But we have to be willing to respond to what we feel led to do from that time in prayer. Questions hang in the air, painfully slow in resolve or clarity. This can feel like a moving target of longing to be in a family, but feeling that somehow we must earn our way in. True or not, this is the reality of switching cultures, not quite getting all the nuances of language, arriving to things you don’t understand. Leaving meetings not quite sure you communicated clearly in your second language, and resisting the temptation to restate or clarify everything again.
Even when we feel terribly misunderstood, we have to give ourselves freedom to speak truth, even if trembling, to ears that may not want to hear it. To have the courage to do the next thing, even when we don’t want to. And this, only after prayer, only in obedience. To stay and fight for hope and not for a better day, or standard we believe in even though it might be good. But in obedience and so as to not dishonor our lives in front of a Holy God. Isn’t this all there is? If the fear of man silences our truth, and our call for help, we need to ask ourselves who we serve. And all this in kindness, humility, a willingness to change and be taught, but not fear. With the abundance of mercy and grace, if we strive for anything, let it be to live a life that looks like Jesus. Because even when no one yet can see, God sees.
We believe God for great things, not ourselves or our talents or gifts. And then we will praise him for those great things. He has been good to us and mountains are moving. Amazing things have happened and difficult things continue to happen. But we won’t lose heart. We pray, anticipating incredible roots that grow deep in the ground, becoming unshakable in the truth of Christ. Armed with this truth, disillusionment or failed expectations no longer have the power to break us. We know without doubt that fear is a liar. And that for each step, all you really need is God, His power, His favor, His refining, and His love. It may hurt, but will likely also bring great joy if we’ll stay connected to the source of all joy. It will be the greatest journey, one where love won, lives were changed and all things were brought to light for healing.
We will have had little to do with it, but we will have drawn close to God as he worked majestic things for His glory with His power, not ours. And we will have accessed all the Love in the World freely available to all that might say yes.